Holiday Harmony: Stress-Free Celebrations
Welcome to the Counter Culture Health podcast. I'm doctor Jen McWaters. And I'm coach Kaitlin Reed. We're here to help high achieving women overcome mental blocks, find freedom from anxiety, create an abundant life, and build the body and life that they deserve and desire. In this weekly podcast, we'll uncover the raw truth about mental health, nutrition, fitness, and beyond. Let's get to it.
Kaitlin:Hey, friends. Thanks so much for joining us for another week of counter culture health. Last week, we talked about navigating the holidays with food and nutrition. And now this week, we're going to talk about navigating the holidays, in their difficult moments when, you know, relationships are hard, when maybe this is a more difficult time of the season rather than a happy time of the season. So doctor Jen is going to walk us through how to navigate holidays, when when it could be a more challenging time.
Jen:Yes. Today, we're gonna go super practical and really focus on some tools and ideas to consider to navigate those challenges. To start us off, though, I just want to normalize that people's feelings can be very mixed during this time of year. And I've definitely seen that working with lots of clients, you know, hundreds of people, over the course of basically a decade. And just seeing there's just so many diverse stories and, you know, a lot of people, for example, have had loss around the holidays, loss of a loved one, death of a loved one, death of a pet during the holiday season.
Jen:Maybe they have unresolved or ongoing trauma with someone in their family, but often can spike around holiday season when we often are in situations where we have to interact with family members or feel like we have to interact with family members. So just to give people that space to acknowledge, it's okay if you have mixed feelings or maybe a lot of negative feelings. And, also, if you have lots of warm fuzzy positive feelings, that's great too. Just recognize that everyone's in a different place with that. So just have compassion with your loved ones, compassion for your coworkers, compassion with people who may not seem excited or want to participate in things.
Jen:Just acknowledging there's just a whole host of things going on for people in their lives that can make this season challenging, at the very least stressful. Even if you don't have grief and trauma, just the stress of all the things on the calendar, you know, that can impact, us, impacts me. Just seeing my calendar start to fill up with parties and events and expectations. So let's kinda start with that and just recognizing that there's a lot of expectations often that we feel that are put on us, and often we have expectations of others. And that's where some of the stress and challenges can come from.
Jen:We can feel like people should do something around the holidays, they should give us a gift, or they shouldn't behave this way, whatever. So managing our expectations is number 1, and trying to go into it in a more nonjudgmental way is always going to be helpful. And also acknowledging that it is a stressful time for everyone, so having grace for people and the grace for people in the mall, at the store, on the street. I think that's a minimum. That's something that stresses everyone out is just the increase in crowds and the increase in stimulation with people and music and lights and ads and all the things that come with American holiday season and consumerism, it's a lot.
Jen:So just acknowledging that everyone's probably a little bit overstimulated and stressed. So manage your expectations and prepare accordingly. That'd be one piece of advice I would give.
Kaitlin:Love that. Yeah. I think, like, the biggest takeaway I took from that is kind of getting rid of the shoulds. It should be like this, fill in the blank, and just kind of being more flexible, during this time too.
Jen:Yeah. Yeah. And thinking about how you want to be feeling, I think, is also empowering. Trying to drop the shows of what you think you should feel or that you should feel warm and fuzzy or that you shouldn't feel this. And instead of thinking about how do I wanna be during this time, because that goes back to our previous conversations around values.
Jen:Thinking about how do I wanna be in this moment, what is the values directed response that I can have? So that will most likely lead us towards things like more compassion and more patience and more grace and also hopefully taking better care of ourselves so that we can manage our reactions to things. Mhmm. Because I always say in coaching and therapy that we want to be able to respond to things rather than react. And that's on you.
Jen:We all have to take ownership of that. So if you are struggling with being very reactive around this time of year, I would encourage you to take a moment to reflect on why that might be. Again, whether that is unresolved trauma that might need some support with therapy, coaching, whether that might be lack of self care because you are putting everyone else's needs first and you haven't had any alone time or maybe you aren't exercising, moving your body, eating well. And so, again, that's gonna impact your mood and your mood regulation and your response or reaction to things. Boundaries.
Jen:Maybe you're struggling with having healthy boundaries with things too, and that's part of why you have a short fuse. So I just wanna empower people that no matter what history is there, what has happened, grief, loss, trauma, etcetera, it is our job as adults to manage our response to things, and we can choose how we wanna respond. And so think about what you want the holiday season to look like, and then take the steps you can, the things that are in your control to change, and change those things accordingly to do your best to influence that outcome rather than letting the holiday season happen to you.
Kaitlin:Yes. Yes. Love that. Being in control rather than everything controlling you.
Jen:Yes. Yes. So one way we can do that, one of the tools I wanna talk about today is setting boundaries, and this is setting boundaries with yourself and setting boundaries with other people. So if we think about things like gatherings, we might may need to set boundaries around the amount of gatherings we say yes to. That's something in our control to change.
Jen:Might have to be okay with saying no to a certain amount. Right? Only you can really dictate and think about and know what is too much for you and what's manageable. And you're no longer enjoying those things or you're feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, overtaxed, and you aren't able to have the response you wanna have, and that might require again for you to say no or scaling back or going somewhere for a shorter amount of time. Mhmm.
Jen:K? And boundaries also include things like financial boundaries. I mean, this is the time of year where people go into massive debt and feel like they have to buy a gift for everyone. They have to, you know, have this level of of gifting or match so and so's level of gifting. And that pressure is enormous, especially in American culture.
Jen:And it's it mean, that's I I think it's like the opposite point of this whole season And getting sucked into the consumerism and competing with other people in comparison is only gonna lead to more stress during this time of year. So I encourage you also think about financial boundaries. Go into the holiday season with a budget. That's what my spouse and I do. What is our gift budget for this year?
Jen:Who do we feel like we want to give gifts to? Who are we seeing this year? Because that will influence who we give gifts to. You know? And even with families, sometimes setting expectations around that.
Jen:Like, hey. Let's all have a goal of one gift per person or a gift per couple or having those honest conversations because I know a lot of people don't, and they just have this unspoken competition and pressure to give, give, give to the point where they are putting themselves in financial jeopardy. And that is not healthy and that's not okay. So having a financial boundary is also part of managing the season and having a better season hopefully than you did previously.
Kaitlin:I love this one so much as gifts are my least favorite part of this season.
Jen:Well, see, that's fine because I actually love gifts. It's hard for me because I need a budget because I actually love giving. I love picking out things for people. I love seeing, like, them, you know, feel like they felt really special and seen by me being really thoughtful. I really enjoyed that.
Jen:And this goes back to, like, love languages too. Right? So, like, I was Yeah. I'm thinking
Kaitlin:that's your love language.
Jen:It's not my main one, but it's something that I it's it's like, you know, it's in there, but I do love doing it this time of year. I really enjoy picking out things that are special. And I like I like shopping, so it's like a reason to do that. So I need to have those boundaries for that reason too so I don't overspend and overdo it because I actually really enjoy gifts. And I I love getting gifts too when they are thoughtful and, like, personal and feel like it's more about that for me than, like, the money value.
Jen:It's like, oh, you were thinking about me and thoughtful. So it's it's more of the relationship piece. But, sure, some people hate giving gifts and getting them, and so it's really like this obligation. Yeah. And that's not and that's not a values driven way of going about it either.
Jen:Mhmm. Yes.
Kaitlin:Yeah. My ideal is just, like, having an experience together. Like, we we go somewhere cool and take a trip together. We're just, like, just be spending time together too Right. Is is more ideal for me.
Kaitlin:Or Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's different, though.
Jen:Totally. But that's the point. It's, like, thinking about what you value most. So if if it's more about experiences, then you might have to have a conversation with your family, whoever you're gathering with, and talk about that if that's something that you wanna receive, for example, or it's something you wanna give or something you wanna plan for so that there aren't unmet expectations or people let down. Like, hey.
Jen:We're gonna do this this year. How about we all go take a trip to here instead of giving gifts? Great. So it's it's communication, right, which is required to be able to set healthy, respectful boundaries.
Kaitlin:Absolutely.
Jen:So boundaries with time, boundaries with money, and boundaries with people. Like, you you it's okay to love someone from afar. Like, if you have, especially, like, ongoing trauma experiences with someone in your family, extended family, you know, a lot of people feel that they have to interact with certain people. And I would say, I think it's a good goal. Like, if you're always triggered, that's telling you you have things to work on that are unresolved, because we don't wanna walk around the world just triggered and avoiding everything that's not healthy.
Jen:At the same time, as things are in process, it's okay to set some limits maybe around how much time you spend at these gatherings, whether or not you talk to so and so. But trying to do that again out of love and respect rather than out of anger and spite or revenge. So it's okay to set limits around that if there's something that might be really unhealthy or someone who is actively harmful to you, hurtful towards you, it's okay to set limits around contact and also to even have to remove yourself if you need to do that. Yeah.
Kaitlin:And always remembering in those situations that you are not responsible for anybody's reactions to that. Yes. And trying to, like, not take that personally or, you know, have it affect you or impact that choice that you're making too.
Jen:Yep. I always say that, you know, setting boundaries is for you and you alone. It doesn't mean that the other person will agree or be happy with it. Sometimes they will acquiesce or be on board, which is great. That's what we want, but it's not a guarantee.
Jen:So set the boundary for you, for what's healthy for you, and you have to surrender the rest because the other person, depending where they're at, they may not respect that boundary, agree with it, or they might be angry about it, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that the boundary is wrong or bad. Yep. Love it. Yeah.
Jen:So next one connected to that is giving yourself permission this season to do self care, to set limits, and even leave situations if you need to. It's okay to prioritize your well-being, especially if this is a very stressful time of year for you or you have a trauma history around this time of year. Just give yourself permission to do that. And with that comes things like have an exit plan potentially for events that you imagine are going to be difficult and very stressful. So is there an exit plan you can think of, like physically removing yourself?
Jen:Sometimes I have cope ahead plans with clients about, like, okay. If this interaction happens or so and so says this, if you have anxiety about that happening and worry, let's just have a cope ahead plan for what you're gonna do to skillfully respond in that moment. So that might mean exiting might mean going to your car. It might mean going to the bathroom, going to the backyard. It might mean leaving early.
Jen:It might mean making sure the person that you're there with stays with you or having, like, a signal to tell the person, hey. I need some help. Come rescue me over here. Whatever it is, just give yourself permission to have an exit plan. Leave if you need to.
Jen:And even think about that, like, with the person that you're coming with. So, like, thinking about myself as an introvert, for example, like, I just time out quicker than, like, my spouse will, who's an extrovert. So you know yeah. So we have a process of, like, okay. If I'm kinda getting tapped out and overstimulated, you know, what would be a good way for me to let you know that so that I don't feel like I'm stuck and stranded there while my social butterfly spouse is just, like, working in the room, and I'm just, like, totally drained and ready to go home?
Jen:So that's a signal, a call, a text, you know, walking over. It's okay to communicate those needs to your loved one and help help them help you. Mhmm. They do have your best interest, but they just may not be aware, and so we have to communicate to people, like, what we need.
Kaitlin:Yep. Yeah. My biggest one is I I always try to get some kind of movement in before I go somewhere just because I know that it will put me in a better mood, help me cope with, like, all the things and people and the overstimulation and stuff. So that's something that's very important for me that I always incorporate before going to some kind of gathering, or event.
Jen:I love that. Mine is eating because I don't wanna go hangry or, like, hungry even because that just does not sound good for my blood sugar and my mood. And then 2 is actually trying to get alone time before. Like, try to have a destimulating day prior to, especially, like, a really big party. So I don't double up on events on the same day.
Jen:I'll try to get, like, a long quiet walk in or some alone time. Doesn't always happen or work, but when I can do that, it definitely sets me up for success, and I have, like, a longer battery for those events. Yep. Love it. Yeah.
Jen:It's a good tool for your fellow introverts out there. And let's see. The other piece that I wanna talk about is navigating difficult topics with family, especially given we are now post election. It's still kind of in election season, really, and I know there's just so much drama around that and stuff. And really since COVID, there's just been sadly like a big division among family members with all these different topics, people's opinions and beliefs, and where they stand on so many things.
Jen:So, you know, ultimately, we're probably gonna have to navigate some difficult topics or conversations, and I wanna just speak to some ideas of how to go about working through that because, again, we don't wanna get to the space where it's like I'm triggered by everything and I can't talk about anything. I do I do believe in, like, freedom of speech and giving people space. If they wanna say something, we can't control everyone else. We can only control ourselves, and yet we can still set boundaries. Right?
Jen:So with that might mean that if you do need to end a conversation, you can. If you can't hold, you know, I think stay regulated and stay grounded in a difficult conversation that's very, triggering for you, then that could be a sign that it's time to gracefully exit. And I'm all about the graceful exit, whether that's on the phone or in person trying to redirect the conversation or gently x or even if you have to say, you know what? I don't really wanna talk about this anymore. It's it's a lot.
Jen:Could we talk about something else? And trying to be graceful with it, I think, is always a good play if you can do that. Always communicating with love and respect, another piece of this, and trying to see the person behind all the opinions and judgments, reminding yourself like this is someone that you really love and care about, for example, rather than getting so focused on their opinions or thoughts or what they're saying, trying to connect and ground to the person underneath that because we are all human at core. Right? And, we may have different beliefs and opinions about things, but we're all still human and need to treat each other with that same mutual respect.
Jen:Another great tool that I love is asking curious questions. Oftentimes, you wanna get into debates, and that is, like, the wrong way to go, I think, in topics that are very divisive where you know, like, if often if you debate someone and they are, like, on the opposite side, they might just get more entrenched and you get more entrenched and just, like, it just escalates from there. So instead asking curious questions, like, oh, that's so interesting. Why do you say that? Or why do you believe that?
Jen:Well, tell me more about that. You know, it takes skill because you have to regulate yourself while you're listening to that. But if you can do that, you're gonna be able to navigate the conversation, potentially redirect it, and, ultimately, having them feel heard, like you're hearing them and care about their side and opinion, will likely lead to them deescalating, moving on from the conversation, not getting fixated on it, and not feeling like they have to go head to head with you and debate you. So that is definitely a skill that is learned over time, but it is a great tactic. It's sort of like a tactic people use to get through difficult conversations, with people who are, like, on the opposite side of things.
Jen:Any thoughts on that?
Kaitlin:One. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All about staying regulated during
Jen:this time. Right? Yes. Yes. So with that, like, working on not personalizing, thinking about, like, a skill in therapy, DBT, we call it, like, having Teflon mind or having, like, a Teflon layer.
Jen:Usually, as a crunchy health person, we hate Teflon. But in this case, this metaphor is really helpful to think about having, like, Teflon coating on your nonstick stuff coated and trying to visualize that and let things roll off of you. Like, I'm not gonna let things stick to me. Right? That's something that's in your control.
Jen:Deep breathing, doing grounding, making sure that you are, like you said, taking care of your body. Maybe that means you go on a walk beforehand or during, after, eating, removing yourself. Like, all these things will help you stay regulated. And when we're regulated, we are accessing our frontal lobe and our executive functioning and our best decision making. We're not acting out of our emotions and our amygdala and our impulses.
Jen:So we're gonna make better decisions and ultimately probably walk away feeling better about how we responded to things and how we acted and have to deal with all maybe, like, the guilt and stuff that comes from acting in a different way than we wanted to. Yeah.
Kaitlin:This sounds great. So helpful. I love it.
Jen:Yes. Hopefully, that's helpful for guy for everyone out there. Yeah. Those are kind of the main things. I know it doesn't cover all the different challenges.
Jen:Things can be so nuanced, but just some things to think about because I my hope is people walk into the holidays more confident, more assured, more regulated, and feeling like they can handle it and also giving themselves permission to set limits, when it's too much. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Kaitlin:Yeah. It's all about practice. Right?
Jen:Lots of practice all the time, and you'll get better every year. Yep. Hence why I'm all about don't avoid the things that are hard. Learn the skills to deal with them and get better and better at it. I know what actually, last thing I did wanna mention is if this is a hard season for you, excuse me, I encourage you to think about how can you have a creative experience.
Jen:How can you reframe it? How can you make the holiday something different for you? So rather than trying to white knuckle through it or avoid it altogether, I know people that do that, Think about how can I create something that I would enjoy? So maybe that is a special event. Maybe that is you go to Hawaii for Christmas.
Jen:Great. Good on you. Do that. You know? Maybe you're gonna need something completely different nontraditional.
Jen:But if that's what it takes to you, I think, have a corrective experience and recreate this time for something that is meaningful and special to you that is valuable to do, again, rather than just trying to just avoid the whole season altogether if it brings up a lot of pain. So just as hope that people I have people do that. People can do that. They can have corrective experiences and no longer dread. And some of that comes with time, of course, and healing, but just know that there is hope that you don't have to feel the same way every single year.
Jen:It can change.
Kaitlin:I love that so much. Kind of thinking outside the box and not this, like, traditional approach or this is how it's always been or what we've always done, like, recreating this season for you. So it's not always a season of dread and doom and kind of a kind of feeling
Jen:all the time. Yeah. Make new traditions. So if that's a new gifts, we don't do gifts on Christmas, but we go travel like Kalika wanna do. Do that.
Jen:Right? If that's we're gonna do, like, pull the name out of the hat and do one gift. Great. Do that. Whatever it is, just figure out what works for you and your family and, again, reclaim it and focus on what the values are really about.
Jen:And, again, I believe this is a season of love and joy and giving and generosity and respect and all those things and does not have to be divisive and about consumerism and stress. I think that's really a choice that we can step into the season with a different mindset and have it be different.
Kaitlin:I love this so much. I know I'm coming away with, helpful tools, and I know everybody else out there has at least one takeaway from this. So thank you for sharing all those things with us today. Super helpful and a
Jen:great topic to cover. Thanks for having me, guys. Thanks for joining us on the Counter Culture Health podcast. To support this show, please rate, review, and share with your friends and family. If you wanna be reminded of new episodes, click the subscribe button on your preferred podcast player.
Jen:You can find me, Jen, at awaken.holistic.healthand@awakeningholistichealth.com.
Kaitlin:And me, caitlin@caitlinreed wellness and caitlinreed wellness dot com. The content of the show is for educational and informational purposes only. As always, talk to your doctor and health team. See you next time.
